īŧ as if he senses that brief turmoil, he shuffles himself about on the bed, tugging sasuke astride his hips and then downward to kiss him, nipping softly at his bottom lip. as his arms wend around sasuke and he tucks them together cheek to cheek, dragging stubble against sasuke's skin, he murmurs: īŧ
Ah, that language wouldn't necessarily be about dominance or submission. You can be dominant and still wanna get knocked up, or fantasize about it. But I do struggle with submission. It's funny — I think I probably was once? I don't have a strong impression of who I was before — īŧ well, they don't need to get into that, but — īŧ but I remember who I was during it all, and I... that weakness, that cowardice, it took me a long time to be kind to myself, to recognize that my reaction was about survival, that it wasn't just... weak, to be broken. I hated how deeply and completely I was changed by someone else's cruelty. Sometimes I still struggle with that, feeling like I'm just something someone else made.
īŧ sasuke, he knows, will understand that sentiment better than most. īŧ
My response to that trauma was to reach for control with both hands and hold it. Surrendering that is... fucking hard. It's actually easier for me with strangers — it's not like I seek it out, but if I'm teaching or something — because submission is no longer a natural state for me, but they don't know that, so I can come at it from the angle of being what's needed in the moment. But with people who've seen me, who know me... it's harder to relax because the fear that surrendering that control is going to get them hurt is always, always there.
īŧ fear has informed so much of his life for so long, a constant low-grade feverbright burn in the back of his mind. he's not sure who he'd be if he were to wake up one day and find it excised. īŧ
It's not about being vulnerable. I'd give that part of myself to you without hesitation, you know? But it makes the fear louder. Having control is what quiets it, because I get to tell myself never again.
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Date: 2024-03-05 03:46 am (UTC)Ah, that language wouldn't necessarily be about dominance or submission. You can be dominant and still wanna get knocked up, or fantasize about it. But I do struggle with submission. It's funny — I think I probably was once? I don't have a strong impression of who I was before — īŧ well, they don't need to get into that, but — īŧ but I remember who I was during it all, and I... that weakness, that cowardice, it took me a long time to be kind to myself, to recognize that my reaction was about survival, that it wasn't just... weak, to be broken. I hated how deeply and completely I was changed by someone else's cruelty. Sometimes I still struggle with that, feeling like I'm just something someone else made.
īŧ sasuke, he knows, will understand that sentiment better than most. īŧ
My response to that trauma was to reach for control with both hands and hold it. Surrendering that is... fucking hard. It's actually easier for me with strangers — it's not like I seek it out, but if I'm teaching or something — because submission is no longer a natural state for me, but they don't know that, so I can come at it from the angle of being what's needed in the moment. But with people who've seen me, who know me... it's harder to relax because the fear that surrendering that control is going to get them hurt is always, always there.
īŧ fear has informed so much of his life for so long, a constant low-grade feverbright burn in the back of his mind. he's not sure who he'd be if he were to wake up one day and find it excised. īŧ
It's not about being vulnerable. I'd give that part of myself to you without hesitation, you know? But it makes the fear louder. Having control is what quiets it, because I get to tell myself never again.