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[hallowing]

@torontonian

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[chokuto]

[It's just love. There is, then, a wet shine of moisture in eyes — but tears don't fall. And soon his focus is less on the swell of that emotion, its intensity angled under the spotlight of Cy's words, and more on the act of wearing the collar. It slides cool around his throat, snug but not strangling, not at all uncomfortable. He likes that he can feel it when he swallows. He likes that he is wearing it utterly naked, an ornament upon a body no one has ever touched as thoroughly as Cy has.

Eyes fall to the lock, dangling in a flash of silver from the hook, and there is no hesitation in the lift of a hand that snaps it shut.

Then he leans down, crushing a kiss against Cy's mouth that is edged with desperate need he is no longer shy to reveal.]

I'm yours, then.

[hallowing]

（ he hooks his finger in the ring, and holds sasuke in place as he kisses back, letting him go only once the boy's mouth is kissed red and swollen. ）

See why I said we should wait before I choke you on my dick?

（ a bit of a cheeky little grin, pleased and adoring. ）

You'll feel it more like this. Every time you try to swallow around me, you'll be reminded that I own you. So — first official act as my claimed submissive — how would you feel about sitting on a dildo for me like this while I face-fuck you breathless?

[chokuto]

Yes.

[Breathlessly spoken after Cy has savaged his mouth with a tongue, the gleam of eyes has changed, dilated now with the compulsion of a lust he does not try to conceal. A claimed submissive. It would have been impossible to predict this future, himself seated in the lap of another man to whom he would swear over his life, his body, everything he is — but nothing has felt more right. His head tilts, exposing the column of his throat and the collar that encircles it in that claiming bond of leather and silk, locked tight.]

I want it, sir.

[hallowing]

（ his hand lifts, and skirts the edge of the collar, tips of his fingers tucked in against it so it's equally as much a caress against sasuke's throat. ）

You look beautiful for me like this.

（ naked save the collar. yeah, that's fucking something all right. ）

Now, there's a box under my bed — you see the fucking influence you're having on me? Bitch, I'm organized now? — with some dildos in it. Never used, before you get all territorial and jealous on me, I bought them for you, we just spend too much time going ass to dick to really get into them much. There's a few different sizes. I want you to pick a size that'll challenge you and I want you to fuck yourself with it until it's all the way in while I watch. No hiding — I want to see you do it, but you don't need to put on a show. You can be as slow or rough as you want — I trust you with yourself, okay?

（ it seems like a simple statement, but it's — sweeping, like broad brushstrokes laid down in the foundation of what they are to one another. ）

Just make sure it's something you can sit on without too much discomfort. Then we'll put you on the edge of the bed. I wanna put nipple clamps on you too, connect them to the collar, maybe add some weights so there's a bit of a tug there for you. Then I'm going to fuck your face — I'm going to really push you for this, there'll be some restriction to your oxygen, so be ready. You need to stay calm — you know I won't do more than you can take, and that I'll stop if you need me to. You know the drill.

（ safewords, bells — any of their little checks and balances with each other. ）

Ask me if you want to come at any point. But I want you crying and begging for it first, okay? But it's okay if you fuck up on that one — this is a lot, and some of it will be new to you, so if you lose control I won't be upset. That's hot for me too.

（ a soft little slap against sasuke's thighs. ）

Maybe afterwards we can talk flogging. Back, not ass. Your ass has taken plenty of abuse today, needs a break.

[chokuto]

[There's a flash of a smile, there and gone again at the mention of organization, refocused while Cy continues. Darkening, an intensity to the look that belies interest — a box of toys purchased just for him. It calls to mind their second experience together, when Cy had walked him through the use of a dildo and they'd first begun navigating boundaries, preferences, that electric chemistry tethered inexplicably between them in a weave of attraction and emotional vulnerability and trust. He nods his head, to show that he understands.

Cy walks him through the scenario in such a way that arousal is quick to build, a matchstick to dry grass, as much transfixed by the obscenity of Cy's language and the clever mind that invents these ideas as the plan itself. Excitement is hot in his blood, evidenced by the fact that he's soon hard in Cy's lap and does not try to hide it.

Another curt nod, and at the slap of a thigh he slides back and off the bed to fetch the indicated box. One of the dildos is selected — larger than the first Cy had gifted to him two months ago, closer to the girth of Cy's own dick and chosen for this fact alone.]

I can see you have no intention of letting me sleep tonight. [It's spoken wryly, amused rather than in any way bothered.] Your neighbors are going to begin to resent me, if they don't already.

[Cy wants him crying and begging for it — and where once that would have felt difficult to do, blockaded by his own mental barriers, he does not worry now. He has a safeword. He has the bell. And he loves Cy. Climbing back onto the bed, he looks around for lubricant.]

Flogging... I'm interested in that. How different is it from other forms of impact play such as spanking?

[hallowing]

（ that statement gets a laugh. it's always delightful to him, personally, when sasuke makes some sort of playful reference to sex. ）

Ah, fuck the neighbors. They're just jealous they don't have a gorgeous man like you to make sweet, sweet love to until the small hours of the morning.

（ the lube is fished out of the nightstand, and cy holds it for him so sasuke can use the bottle one-handed. ）

It can be pretty different. The main thing is that the ass can take a lot of punishment with relatively little long-term risk — but doing impact play in other places on the body can cause actual damage if you don't know what you're doing or you aren't careful. You know how when I spank you, and it starts like a sting and then sinks in? Whipping can be either 'stingy' — if the material is longer and thinner — or 'thuddy', if the tails are wider and shorter. A whip can have one 'tail' — those hurt like a bitch, and you have to be careful about the length because you can get 'wraparound' snaps, where it curls against the side. （ a brush of his hand against that spot on sasuke that would be in danger. ） and floggers have multiple 'tails' or 'falls'. Stingy floggers will usually leave more visible marks but a less lingering sensation, and thuddy ones are a bit less likely to leave marks but will ache down into the muscle. Here, lean forward — （ and when sasuke does, cy reaches behind him and strokes at the strong muscles of his back just below the shoulder blades, stopping just above the kidneys. ） this is the spot you want to hit. You've got more muscle than most, which acts as a protective layer, so you can probably take more than a lot of people. Still — I don't wanna go hard on you for this one, just an introduction. You can decide if you want to do more later. Wear you out a l'il and then cuddle you asleep.

[chokuto]

[He does not think he'll ever be used to the affection Cy doles out to him, and the sentiment is still new in its open expression, still gently tentative — so it is no wonder his face flushes to hear Cy speak of 'sweet, sweet love'.

At least he can focus on the task ahead, liberally collecting lubricant before he reclines near the head of the bed. He waits until Cy has finished speaking before he attempts to begin with himself, paying care to the places indicated by those instructive touches.]

It reminds me of learning the use for different weapons and combat techniques. Some to target certain parts of the body; some to cause certain wounds. [Though it is clear for many reasons why he's found himself drawn to this side of sex, the language of intimacy within the practice of BDSM — Cy's influence chief among them — this only lays further proof.] Let's try it.

[No fear, just expectancy and anticipation. He reaches between his legs, one knee drawn up in order to slip fingertips across his own hole, and with a hitch of breath he drives in two at once.]

[hallowing]

（ the comparison makes him laugh. he doesn't know — perhaps it's better to say he doesn't remember — if it's one he's ever drawn before himself, but it makes sense. ）

Kinda. I mean, when it comes to painplay, a lot of it is about repurposing tools or acts that were intended or used for punishment.

（ he shifts himself until he can sit and watch attentively as sasuke works himself open, and although he doesn't try to stop sasuke or help, he does reach out and just stroke the inside of his knee. it's an unspoken assertion that he's present and participating even if not directly in the act, then by watching him. ）

Honestly, I kinda think that humans have just always had a lot more intersection between pain and pleasure than a lot of them want to admit.

[chokuto]

[Sasuke is perfunctory in the act of that preparation — he is not brusque and ungentle with himself, given Cy's past coaching on the subject of self-pleasure, but there remains an element of indifference to the way he touches his own body, like it is an extension of a tool more than something to be sheltered and treasured.

And more than that, he is not accustomed to putting on any sort of show. The most he manages is draping his legs over Cy's lap, only to keep him close, not to look good, or seduce.]

It isn't unbelievable. Both are physical sensations rooted in the body. Both are intense.

[There's a hitch of breath as his own fingers stretch inside of his hole — managed easily, tempered with discipline, adjusting to it rather than enjoying it.]

[hallowing]

（ he told sasuke he'd trust him with this, and he does. but it hurts to see him treat himself this way, and after a moment he reaches out. his fingers fall against sasuke's wrist, a soft entreaty. ）

Hey. You aren't doing anything wrong, but can I ask something of you?

[chokuto]

[He stills, legs twitching partially closed as he sits up a little straighter and watches Cy with an open expression.]

What is it?

[hallowing]

I know I said you didn't need to put on a show, but — I think I need to reframe that for both of us. I know it's hard for you to find pleasure in your own touch.

（ he ducks his head down, and kisses sasuke's knee. ）

Can you try for me? I want this to be something you enjoy, not just something you treat as an obstacle between now and the next act. Just try.

[chokuto]

[Frustration rises, more self-directed than anything that Cy is asking from him. Fingers slip loose from his body with a wet sound; he reaches out, silently requesting aid with the lube, and once Cy has assisted he reaches back between his legs. His voice is quiet, confessional.]

I've tried since we last spoke about it. When I'm alone, I can't seem to keep my thoughts at bay. And it feels — wrong to enjoy what I'm doing to myself. As if I should be guilty for it.

[Cy already knows this, or at least has a good idea of it on his own with all that Sasuke has said about the wrongs he's committed, but putting it to words does help. He leans back again and allows legs to splay further apart, yet hesitates before returning to the act.]

It's a little easier when I imagine that it's you who is with me. [Finally his fingers slip down, grazing across his hole, having to lift hips partly off the bed to reach.] You were, the first time I ever touched myself here.

[hallowing]

I understand.

（ he does, and he's explained why. he doesn't need to justify it now — he just leans between sasuke's legs, and kisses him very gently. ）

You've made incredible progress, and you are really not doing anything wrong. Trauma is the thief of joy — and sometimes what it steals is the joy in your own self. （ honestly, it's touching enough that he's kept trying. cy nuzzles at his cheek, presses his mouth to sasuke's throat over the collar. ） For now, let's try this.

（ one hand braces himself on the frame of the bed, and the other reaches between them and curls atop sasuke's hand. not trying to entirely take over for him, just — guiding him. as sasuke's fingers dip against his hole, cy is the one that gently pushes them inside and works at the back of his hand, his wrist in the thrust. almost like he's using sasuke's hand as the stand-in for a dildo, fucking into him slow. ）

You were so gentle with me, t'che verai. Tell me why you don't think you deserve that, too.

（ he knows why. but he wants sasuke to articulate it so they can face it, and tear it down. ）

talking about trauma during sex the cysuke way

[chokuto]

[The graze of Cy's cheek, punctuated by the press of a mouth, only serve to remind him of the snug band of leather and silk around his throat. He finds it — calming, almost anesthetic to any tension that rises in response to what is asked of him. It's difficult to speak on the subject; he knows it will only help, despite that.]

I've hurt people. Killed them. [The Chiskikani endearment delivers him to vulnerability, even as his eyes slip closed and he focuses on the sensation of Cy's warm hand cupped atop his own knuckles.] I knew what I was doing when I did it.

[Even amid the grief and rage, wielded like a knife turned on himself, he still committed those cruel acts. Yet that isn't all of it — he simply stops breathing for a minute, focused on the stretch of knuckles that pry his body open, feeling the ache of soreness in the muscle of his ass from earlier's foray momentarily forgotten in genjutsu. His head turns, seeking Cy's mouth in a slack, shivery slide of lips and tongue. Guided into a steady drag of fingers inside his hole, Sasuke loses the thread of thought for a moment and can't reclaim it until after. And then he says —]

... For a long time, I've carried this — guilt. That I was the only one left alive. I've hated myself for it.

[hallowing]

（ it's a sentiment he understands too well, and there's an ache in him for the fact it's something they share — when sasuke's eyes slip closed he kisses the lids in a soft shiver of movement, and then just leans their foreheads together. breath mingles, and it feels like swallowing the words uttered into the air. his hand on sasuke's stays whisper-soft, guiding him to a rhythm that's more sanctified than sexual, a coax of his hand inward and deep. ）

It's called 'survivor's guilt'. It's one of the possible symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. There's no clear reason why it affects some people and not others — but personally, I think that in a lot of cases it comes from an incredible sense of compassion and empathy. We're handling knives, okay? Stay with me.

（ another kiss is left against sasuke's cheek. there's a shift, an adjustment of his weight, letting some of it rest against sasuke's side so he can free up his hand to curl around his cock, mimical of those interior thrusts. he drapes a leg against sasuke's, the intimacy easy and close. ）

You lost everything. You had no support. You raised yourself alone. There was nothing to anchor you to kindness, but you kept it anyway. Surviving was not a sin. Sweetheart, you were a child. You've carried this pain far longer than you knew peace. When have you suffered enough? When have you given enough to the ghosts? You can't change the past. I'm sorry you've suffered, I'm sorry you've killed people, and hurt those you cared for, and been cruel — but it wasn't because you're a bad person, it was because no one in your life knew how to help the howling pain in you, and anger and cruelty became protective measures against a furtherance of loss and grief. You and I both know that if you met someone whose life echoed yours, you would be kind to them. So why not you?

[chokuto]

['Survivor's guilt' is an apt term, then, because it is his agony over that survival that seems to chew him up, spit him out — and as the metaphor of knives is risen, familiar now, he braces himself. It's almost easier with the distraction of his own body, ministration of both knuckles pushed in and Cy's warm hand on his cock. They are physical hooks that keep him from sinking too deep and low in his mind, rewiring the part of himself that wants to hide away from the experience of emotion, from the wellspring it hollows within him.

Sharing air, he leans closer into the shelter of where they touch, little breathy sounds loose on his lips.]

Cy, [a name that is a mold for the affection that now pours out of him, every crack and seam their togetherness has created.] Knowing you makes me want to... be kind. [To myself.] Even if it's hard. I'll keep trying.

[He's begun to learn that difficulty between them does not mean the end; there's a foundation that will weather and support against failures and mistakes. So he shifts the leg hooked underneath one of Cy's, and lifts his hips, their hands driving another inexorable push against his ass to open it up.]

I know we just spoke about what we were going to do, but — now I want you inside of me.

[hallowing]

Nothing we ever talk about's a hard blueprint, sweetheart. We can do that.

（ and it means something, that sasuke would choose something gentler than what they'd discussed earlier. it's not as if he has an aversion to treating him roughly — quite the opposite, in fact, especially now that they're exploring their limits in concert.

but he can't deny the way that those gentler moments feel a little bit like letting the light into a darkened room, either.

cy kisses him again, drawn out and tender, and then: ）

Tell me when you're ready. I wanna try a different position.

[chokuto]

[The kiss leaves eyes half-open, lashes a low sweep, hair pushed back from his face to expose the soft, adoring expression that is turned onto Cy. He has passed the point of hiding himself from Cy — even when the difficult emotion they challenge together has him in its grip. I love you will never stop being true.

If living with this guilt and rage and loss all over again would deliver him to Cy, he'd do it. He'd suffer every hurt.

With a slight shift, he pulls his wrist back, sliding fingers out of his body and unashamedly lacing them together with Cy's own in a loose, slippery hold.]

I'm ready. What position?

[hallowing]

It's called the lotus position. We've done variants before but not this specific one.

（ he leaves their fingers tightly wound together, but his free hand hooks on the d-ring of sasuke's collar and tugs him forward. cy arranges himself in the middle of the bed, thighs slightly splayed apart, and draws sasuke right atop them. ）

Some people say it's the most romantic way to have sex. Sit, wrap your legs around me, ankles crossed.

（ it's a foregone conclusion that he's already hard, lbr. so it's easy, to let briefly go of that collar to scrounge around for the bottle of lube and slick himself liberally — and then a touch to sasuke's thigh to get him to flex his thighs and lift upwards and then back, to settle against the head of cy's cock. he teases the boy's hole with a heavy drag of his dick and then pushes just the head inward, feeling the stretch and sudden give of the muscle there. being nested inside him like this has never felt anything less than perfect, but it's — sweeter, now. ）

Hold there for a sec, and then I want you to take me all the way in in one smooth shot. And then I wanna get real mushy about being inside you, just so you know what you signed up for getting away from the choking on my dick scenario.

（ and why he asked sasuke to wait like that, tantalized and wanting, becomes very clear after a moment — cy's hand slips back around between them and lifts. he hooks his index finger back in the collar's ring, and then tugs him in for a kiss. the message is clear: he's going to hold the collar all the way through. ）

Bear down for me, t'che verai.

[chokuto]

[It's an easy act to slide into Cy's lap, only bare skin between them. He obeys by folding long legs around Cy's waist and locking them at the ankle, luxuriating in the lean, hard body beneath him, how it makes the flow of time stop to be in these arms, how quickly all of the difficult trials of his life fade to static in his ears. He's not remotely nervous — but there is a little hitch of air, a dimensional shift in the intimacy they share.

Magnified, of course, by how casually Cy tugs him by the collar around his throat. The kiss seals that intention between them, and Sasuke feels arousal run through him like water, taking him beneath its flow.]

I want to do that another time. [A breathless statement, given as he feels himself settle, the crown of Cy's dick dragging a wet smear of lubricant in the cleft of his sore ass. Then the tight squeeze as the head breaches his hole just barely. He circles his hips, enjoying the burn of first penetration without shifting any deeper.] I want to do so much with you. I didn't know that it could be possible — to want the future so badly. I want to do this a hundred times. A thousand. Forever.

[With Cy's hand on the collar, with that warm endearment stuffing his head like cotton, Sasuke does as he's told. A slow, deliberate push takes Cy's cock to the root, chasing shocks of pleasure up his spine — his head rolls on shoulders but cannot lean for being held in place by the ownership of that band around his throat. His mouth falls slack around a reverberation of sound, low and quiet but full, aching at the throb at having Cy's dick buried so deep inside of him.]

[hallowing]

（ perhaps, if sasuke hadn't said that — the most this would have been is a slow, loving fuck while they made eye contact over cy's grasp on the collar. sweet words, soft nothings, lovebites and longing laid bare in the scorching heat of their touch.

but this boy, with all the trauma tangled up in him — who regards his own life as nothing else but a tool to further the future vision of one he loves back home — says that so casually, and cy just.

looks at him for a moment, warmth and fondness and love and surprise all emblazoned so plainly on his face — and then he drops his hand away from the collar and wraps sasuke up in his arms so tightly it will restrict his oxygen by accident rather than design. his knees bend, a slight shift of his legs positionally speaking, that puts sasuke into his cross-legged lap. and he just. holds him. breathing against the crook of his neck. there's a faint tremble to his shoulders that speaks of the depth of emotional resonance ringing through him now, and the kiss he presses against the join between the slope of sasuke's trapezius muscle and the plush edge of the collar is sweet rather than sensual.

i want the future so badly.

jesus fucking christ. ）

Okay. （ comes the quiet murmur, because it's really all he can bring himself to say. ） Okay.

[chokuto]

[The crush of that embrace wrings out breath like water from a sodden sponge, but he doesn't care, he'll let Cy hold him in any way, to any line of discomfort — and it feels good to be wrapped within the tight, powerful security of these strong arms. Sasuke slips his own up and around broad shoulders, ensuring that he can cradle the back of Cy's head with one palm so knuckles card through dark hair gently.]

Will you remind me how to say it in French? [He can feel Cy's heart, this close, thudding at a slow and steady rhythm. It is like it sits within his own chest.] I love you.

[Never would he have thought the words could come to him like this for someone else, put into the air and made tangible without the burden of fear, but Cy convinces him that anything is possible.]

[hallowing]

（ there's a soft murmur against his throat — je t'aime, murmured like a curl of smoke that subsumes the senses, and then cy kisses the point just below his ear, against his hair, his cheek — migrating back to sasuke's mouth. he licks into it, enjoying the way the boy yields to him — and draws away with a bite to his bottom lip. ）

Hey. I don't like to leave things unsaid. （ as if anyone would suspect him of such a fucking thing given the sheer volume of words that fall out of his mouth tbh.

though he hasn't quite returned to the original distance between them, he has hooked two fingers back against that collar. there's a tug — pay attention. ） No one else gets this. Personal collars like this represent a bond. It's a pledge.

[chokuto]

[Those kisses underlaid with spoken sentiment threaten to veer his concentration off-track, so that when Cy tugs on the collar, dark lashes flicker with the bleary awareness that he'd closed his eyes. He gazes at the other man — trusting. Even the slightest shift of weight reveals where he's sitting Cy's cock, but that only adds to the unhurried intimacy. There is no reason to rush. They have the night, and tomorrow, and the next day after that.]

You said it was about ownership. Is that what you mean by a pledge?

[He doesn't have any doubt about what his answer would be, if asked if he would give himself to Cy — in every sense — but he wants to understand this better.]

What kind of bond?