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[hallowing]

@torontonian

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[chokuto]

[A shake of his head — he can't tell if he's trying to deny that assurance, or push off the dark, clawing thoughts threatening to take him under, the paranoia, the irrational panic. The movement of his head only pushes his face more firmly into Cy's palms.]

I can't leave this place right now. It won't let me. [His voice is steady, even if his skin is hot and feverish to the touch, even if he's shaking.] Will you stay with me?

[hallowing]

Of course.

（ he slips one hand against sasuke's belly briefly before skirting his palm around his back, just enjoying the contact as he pulls him in close, tucking sasuke's head against one shoulder. ）

I'm kinda surprised that this place is called 'Swan Lake'. It's a pretty specific Earth thing. A ballet. Russian, originally. Lebedínoje ózero. It's about a princess who was turned into a swan by an evil sorcerer.

[chokuto]

Someone told me that Earth is a prevalent influence here, and that most of the people brought in are from Earth. [Who was it? In that moment it's impossible to remember.] Even my own world seems to share commonalities with it.

[He shifts in Cy's lap, legs wrapping more comfortably around the man's waist where they've settled on the curved seat, craving the contact of those warm hands. He can hear voices, but they feel — far away. Unimportant.]

Why was the princess changed into a swan?

[hallowing]

（ he strokes one hand up the line of sasuke's spine and then lets it trail downward again. there's nothing especially titillating about the touch, even with sasuke splayed open-thighed across his lap, but he has found the siren call of physical contact almost irresistible with him since their first acts of intimacy together. ）

It's actually never explained in the context of the original ballet, but people theorize it was because the sorcerer wanted to marry her and she refused him.

（ russians, man. it's a whole thing. ）

So maybe he thought that captivity would make her compliant.

[chokuto]

Strange.

[The remark is hazy, distracted — strong shoulders and back arching beneath Cy's touch, like a cat under a petting hand.]

... What is 'ballet'?

[hallowing]

It's a form of dancing.

（ he kisses at the side of sasuke's head, and then: ）

I've done some. I can teach you if you want.

[chokuto]

[Dancing. He thinks Cy has mentioned it before, too, but the memory is distant.]

It's hard to imagine doing that. I wouldn't be good. [The negativity feels closer when he reaches for it, easier to succumb to in this state of mind.] But I'd watch you.

[The kiss turns his head, and he presses his brow in against Cy's, struck by another shiver.]

[hallowing]

No. You'd be beautiful.

（ he lets his hands drop to sasuke's hips, skims down strong thighs to where they're snug against him. ）

Dancing is almost the same application of skill, strength, and awareness of your body as martial arts is. You already have all the tools you need to be good at it except the practice. You're dedicated, graceful, powerful — no one's invented a word yet to describe the way the gods would weep to see you move for them.

（ metaphoric, but apt. his hands squeeze against sasuke's thighs, just a little. then: ）

Let me teach you. I want to.

[chokuto]

[It's senseless, but — those words and the sentiment tenderly buried within them coax a veil of tears over his eyes. He's afraid if he blinks they'll break, wetting his lashes, his cheeks.]

All right. I'll try it for you.

[Cy could offer to teach him anything and he'd want to learn.]

I don't know what I would do without you here with me. [The words are a ragged, struggling stream of fear, turning his head to put it back against one of Cy's shoulders, tucking in as close as he can get.] I need you. More than I've ever needed anyone. I'm afraid to be alone again.

[It's an abrupt divergence from the subject of dancing, but his thoughts are out of step with his self-control.]

[hallowing]

（ sasuke clings to him, and cy makes space for him, accommodating this new need with a deft hand, wrapping both arms around him and letting one palm cradle the back of his head. ）

As long as it's within my power to stay here with you, you've got me. But Sasuke... if I can't stay, if something happens... I know that possibility isn't great to consider, sweetheart, but I'd want you to be okay. Not immediately, but eventually. Promise me if that happens, you'd try.

[chokuto]

[His grasp tightens, becoming something desperate, entire body trembling even within the sanctuary of those arms.]

I can't— [A harsh intake of breath.] I can't promise that.

[Too mentally fragile in that moment, he feels as though he is one step to the edge of a cliff, and the drop below threatens him. Cy will notice the telltale signals of that state of panic just before it builds and transforms into a full-fledged attack.]

[hallowing]

Shh, shh. It's okay. I've got you.

（ his voice is pitched low, soft and soothing even as his hand continues stroking at sasuke's hair, working snarls out of the silken strands. ）

Just breathe with me, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere.

[chokuto]

[He clings harder, sinking into the warm strength of Cy's chest, rubbing his head against those fingers where they stroke through hair.]

How do we know that? I could wake up tomorrow and you'll be... gone.

[Another sharp inhalation, like he just can't — get enough air into his lungs.]

I had a nightmare.

[hallowing]

You wanna tell me about it?

（ maybe it's not the best idea to discuss it now, when sasuke's mind is cracked open by the suit. but — it's hard to pick and choose your battles. sometimes the moment isn't right, but the discussion needs to happen anyway. ）

[chokuto]

It was that. You left.

[He hates putting it to words, because it somehow makes the fear more real, a monument of weakness in his mind. But for Cy, he tries.]

I was alone. Your room was sealed off, but you weren't... I couldn't even find your statue. [Unaware whether Cy has heard this or not—] You can find the statues of those who have vanished, sometimes, in the food hall. After midnight.

[Now that he's begun speaking, the wound bleeds fresh — a quick and rapid flow of words that trip over one another, ragged, breathless.]

You were completely gone. I had nothing left of you. [He feels the hot burn of tears escape, a ticklish frustration he tries to wipe away with his right hand.] I didn't know what to do. It was like — when Naruto was gone from that other dimension, but worse. I thought I would never see you again.

[At least he and Naruto share the commonality of a dimension. But if Cy slips away from him — how could Sasuke ever get him back?]

If you decided to be away from me, I could stand that. It would be a choice. [It would destroy him in another way, but he would survive heartbreak of that kind.] At least you would still exist here. But what if there isn't a choice? It's not fair.

[hallowing]

( he listens. quiet, and steady. breathing deep because he knows the rhythm will be helpful and settling to sasuke. then, gently, he peels him away from his shoulder to look him in the eyes. )

Sasuke, you will never have nothing left of me. If that does ever happen... you will have the time we've shared, the things we've done, the love we've grown. You might hate it, it might hurt — but loss is part of life. Some people say grief is what love leaves behind. But loving someone means accepting that one day you might lose them. In some cases, that you will. But what I know about you, and what I know about me is that I wouldn't want you to suffer losing me forever, and you wouldn't want me to worry about you in that way. You are stronger than you know, sweetheart. You'd find that strength, and be my good boy, and live. But it would suck at first, and you'd hurt, and it would dig up a thousand old traumas for you, and you'd lash out at all the people around you for a while. And that's okay too.

[chokuto]

[He doesn't want grief. He's sick of grief. Perhaps it is the suit putting these thoughts into his mind, or perhaps it is only warping the foundation of what already lives there — this desperation in the face of loss. It hasn't even happened; he doesn't know what they might face in the future, but imagining it as something possible and tangible is enough to hurt so deeply it feels real.

As Cy speaks to him, he cries. He doesn't avoid eye contact, but the blur of tears makes it difficult to look for long, to see clearly when he's shaking his head over and over.]

It's not fair. [Like a pathetic child's refrain.] I don't want that.

[If it's anything like how Itachi's death has left such an irrevocable impression on him — he doesn't know if he really will survive it a second time.]

Then you would be alone again, too.

[hallowing]

（ he tugs sasuke in and presses another kiss to his forehead, and then just leans against him, letting their breath mingle. ）

No, it's not fair.

（ not for someone like sasuke, who's been alone more of his life now than not. cy is — indifferent to his own isolation, and explaining that he prefers it, that he has to force himself to reach out, to build connections, to exist in this universe as something close to human is an effort wouldn't help in the moment.

he just nudges at the boy gently, a little butt of his head. ）

Good or bad, the future comes no matter what you want, or hope for, or try to build with your hands. So just stay with me in the moment, instead. Where we can have a love people can barely imagine, and a peace that could shake the foundation of a world. Where we can just be, and live, and have each other as long as we can.

[chokuto]

Sorry.

[A reflexive apology, thoughts tumbling against Cy's words — he needs to be stronger, he needs to be better. He still doesn't truly believe now will be enough for him, but he closes his mouth against that confession, knowing it comes from a deep, sore place of hurt exacerbated by the suit's influence over him. And perhaps he shouldn't tell Cy at all. Would it make him seem desperate? Too wanting for more, and ungrateful for the present?

Will Cy decide he is too much? Not enough, for failing where this greater maturity is necessary? It feels like a wound that won't heal, remaining still stubbornly inflamed.]

I told you I'm not thinking clearly right now. [He puts his head down on Cy's shoulder, willing the tears to abate.] It'll pass.

[hallowing]

That isn't something you need to apologize for.

( it's said in a soft murmur as he lifts a hand to cradle the back of sasuke's neck. )

I appreciate that you feel safe enough with me to discuss it anyways.

[chokuto]

[A sigh, guilt nagging at him even as he does his best to reason against the irrational thoughts.]

I always feel safe with you. [Long legs tighten around Cy's waist.] Thank you for coming to find me.

[hallowing]

I will always come for you.

（ his arms tighten, and he bumps his head against sasuke's very gently. ）

Even if we do end up being separated. You have my word.

[chokuto]

[He's only just managed to recover from the worst rush of emotionality — those words bring it back, threatening another wave of tears, barely swallowed back when his head lifts to nudge in closer.]

I believe you.

[His right hand searches for one of Cy's, fingers curling.]

You would really teach me how to dance?

[hallowing]

I'd teach you anything I know that you want to learn.

（ sasuke does not have to search long, he makes it easy, fingers briefly circling in a bracelet around sasuke's wrist before he braids their fingers together and kisses sasuke's knuckles. ）

Any part of me is yours for the asking.

（ except one. ）

[chokuto]

[The implication, he senses. Not Kulo Vayn. They haven't spoken on the subject much since the initial truth and history was unearthed, and Sasuke has come to know enough to see when Cy prefers to handle it alone — the curse a few months ago, in particular, remains bright in his mind. He hasn't forgotten the sight of Cy underwater; the rigid, uncompromising way Cy had pushed back on his concern in the moment. You can. I can't.

Sasuke leans, gently seeking a kiss.]

What would you teach me first? About dancing.